Let's not do that again...

Have you ever been in a place or state of mind quiet enough to hear all the background noises around you? It's 1:01 a.m. and normally it would be pretty quiet around here. The girls would be asleep, thankfully most of my neighbors are even quiet and so the only thing I can hear as I sit here and play on my computer is the humming of the fridge and the occasional buzz of the overhead light. But tonight I'm hearing the exhaust fan in the bathroom because my daughter is flat ironing her hair. She's also playing music on her phone (I'm amazed at the volume and clarity of the speakers on that thing...maybe I should look into getting me one of those but then again I hardly use my MP3 as it is).

My quiet early morning reflections are no longer quiet and I find myself wondering why I'm awake because there was a short period of time when I was doing so well. I got to bed around 11pm, no later than midnight and I woke up at a decent hour, in the morning. But as I think back, this detour from that pattern started a couple of weeks ago when I got sick and it all started with what seemed like a UTI. I got that all cleared up and then the stuff really hit the fan and this time it was uglier than usual because it happened during one of my sleep study nights.

I wanted to lop everything off from the shoulders up...my throat felt like it was swelling shut, my sinuses were draining and I had a hacking cough that wouldn't quit. I had a headache that felt like someone was trying to give me a lobotomy with no anesthesia and I guess I must have been clenching my jaw from the pain because soon my whole lower jaw felt like it needed to be unhinged. Then there was the fever, the body aches, the hallucinations. I don't know what kind of bug I had but I couldn't wait for it to leave but the glory of all that was I still refused to go the hospital even though I thought I was dying. After all, they weren't going to give me anything that I didn't already have at home. Pain meds, fluids and rest, unfortunately that wasn't all I needed.

In the end, as I lay in the emergency room with an IV in my arm, I was pumped full of antibiotics because I had developed a nasty infection (ear & eye) on top of a good bout of bronchitis. Have I learned my lesson in not self diagnosing/medicating? We'll see the next time I get sick. I really hate going to the doctor. By the way, that picture above is the walkway outside the emergency unit of the hospital I went to. For some reason I felt the need to stand outside and wait for my ride after my three hour ordeal inside. I didn't want there to be even a remote possibility that they might find something else wrong with me.

Anyhow, this all started another phase of insomnia, staying up until the wee hours of the morning and falling to sleep after I got the youngest gal off to school and sleeping until noon or later. I'm starting to believe that my insomnia may indeed be hormonally related. The one ovary the docs left me with back in 2005 seems to be doing a number on me. I'm not sure when full menopause will hit, I'm only 39 so I figure if the one ovary keeps pumping out hormones as it was designed I may not until I get in my 60's, maybe my 70's...I have no idea when it's supposed to happen. I asked my granny once, she's 82 and she told me she doesn't remember when it happened but I noticed in talking to some of my aunts who are in their mid to late 50's that we seem to have the same symptoms.

I'll admit this much, there's nothing that's been textbook about me (medically, that is). Before my hysterical (my ex-husbands play on words for hysterectomy) my doc told me that the problems I was having he had only seen in 45-50 year old women. Seems I'm aging faster on the inside than I am on the outside. It keeps life interesting that's for sure. ;-}

Still Awake...Not good.

I figured I'd be asleep by now. I had no intentions on being up at this hour and yet here I am. But I'm determined that I won't see the sun rise. Like a vampire, it's not a welcome sight. ;-p

I couldn't take my sleep meds because I ate like, five brownies that my daughter made for dessert. I don't usually do chocolate but I do have a weakness for brownies. It's a good thing they didn't have nuts in them because I probably would have eaten half the pan. I can't even say this is insomnia at this point. I really believe that I'm choc full of caffiene and who can I blame? Only myself, because had I not messed around earlier, I would have had a nice cup of decaf and that would have quelched any desire to eat the brownies; or so that's what I'm telling myself.

So here I go. I'm going to drink a little water and go lie down for about what, five or six hours? Even without an alarm I'm going to wake up a few minutes before 8 a.m., so that's about right. It's a good thing my first appointment for the day isn't until 2 p.m., I can't imagine having to drag my sorry behind out of the house before noon at this rate.

I have started yawning in the past ten minutes so I must be getting sleepy. I read an article that yawning doesn't necessarily mean boredom or being tired. It can also be a sign of arousal. I kid you not. I read it in a magazine, it has to be out there on the net somewhere. I can't really see that in my case though. I mean, I was thinking about someone but for Bob's sake, it's 3:25 a.m. and there's absolutely nothing I can do about seeing that special someone so I'm gonna say I must be excited about going to bed.

Once again, goodnight and pleasant dreams. ;-)

C'mon is it really an addiction if I like it?

I have a pain in my neck and I would suppose that it's from sitting in front of this computer for the past few hours. I got caught up playing a game, then someone starting instant messaging me (that made me fall behind in the game). Then it was time to eat dinner and I got a phone call and then people decided to chat online with me. I guess I could have ignored them, but I was happy to hear from them. I decided to continue playing the game and even gave my uninterested niece and daughters some pointers on how to successfully win at the game. I was so into it that I forgot to make myself coffee before it got too late in the day.

So let's talk about addictions. I don't do drugs although I did enjoy taking my friend Vic Odin for a while when I had hurt myself moving. I'm not an alcoholic, don't particularly care for chocolate or shopping and I'm not a sex addict either. But you have to understand that I really love coffee. When I was younger I couldn't understand why my grandfather would drink it all the time. Morning, noon and night I remember him drinking coffee. Once he gave me a sip and I did not like it at all! Now I can't understand why anyone wouldn't like coffee. If I don't have coffee I feel like something is missing from my life. Doesn't really matter if it's regular or decaf, I love the flavor. I'm a DD fan, Dunkin Donuts baby! Toasted almond with two creams and three sugars is my favorite. Two cups a day is all I need, on those really stressful days, maybe I'll have three.

My real addiction is to a certain FB game (Facebook). I love this particular game, I think of strategies as soon as my mind is clear enough. That's usually after a few sips of coffee in the morning. I can't wait to touch my keyboard and mouse to play it, I check it like a school girl waiting for a phone call from a boy she has a crush on. Some of the language I use when I find out that my butt has been kicked is very similar to the language I use when I'm on the road and some idiot driver does something that makes me wonder how they even got a license. I've been given "the look" several times by both friends and family when I mention the game. I was thrilled to find out I could follow it on Twitter and I actually look forward to decimating as many players as I can. I have a Napoleon complex in this game, doesn't matter how big you are, I'll still pick a fight with you.

My confession, if you can call it that because its no secret to those who really know me, is that I've even convinced my children to sign up so that they can help me. I harass my family and friends to join my group online so that I can gain more money and move up levels. (I'm under M Kristen Troy, if you want to look me up and add me as a friend...put VC in the request and I'll send you an invite for the game.) I've even asked friends of theirs to join me, it never hurts to ask, right? I suppose I ought to be ashamed of myself but I figure its better than drinking and not as bad for my health. Maybe a little harsh on my eyes but that's why I turned down the brightness on my screen and my bifocals work just fine when I wear them.

Well folks, it's past my bedtime now. I have appointments in the afternoon, I have three teenage girls and one 8 year old boy that I have to contend with in the morning. Seeing as how I can't seem to drag myself out of bed before 9 a.m., it'll be fun trying to get them up and at 'em. My insomnia seems to have eased up, I don't stay awake until the sun rises anymore, but I still wake up two or three times during the night and wake up a few minutes before 8. I have family and friends that like to call or text me first thing in the morning and I have to keep reminding them that I'm not really coherent so any questions or answers I may have or give will be subject to review.

So that's my post for this evening. I'll try to do better tomorrow. Goodnight and pleasant dreams.